People Always Leave.

Why do people always leave? I know everybody do have those question in their head. No one can answer this question. It's god will. No..They still love you. But....Oh crap! Don't be sad people. I felt it once. Actually more than once. How it aches through my heart and brain. It damages every single bits and pieces of life that is still left of me. How terrible can things be once you know something that was suppose to be hidden. What do you feel if you know something that was not suppose to be known. Damn! How too much love can ruin your life up and down. How no love at all can also ruin your life up and down. How everything was suppose to be perfect but it doesn't turn out how it was suppose to be. How the perfect things that happen suddenly known to be none! How you wish that this world is a better place to live. How you wish that you could just wash out your current life drop it in the washing machine, and replace it with something new, better and clearer. Life is not as simple as we think it is. Life is not as simple as A B C. Life is something we should learn everyday in my life. Life changes everything and it was suppose to happen gradually as what we want them to be. We rule our own life. We show what we can do and we create the path and passage way for what life was suppose to be. 


I lost someone once. Not only one. Losing a boyfriend doesn't make us hurt badly, but losing a boyfriend that loves us back hurts deeply. How I wish I have a grandmother. To talk and tell tales of all the happening things in my life. How I wish she was here to be with me through it all where I could have her as a place to run to. I lost my grandmother way back. Actually both of my grandmother. I didn't even get the chance to even get close to them or even grow up with them. My grandmother from my mother's side, we called her "maktok". She was pretty. Small eyes with fair skin. She is even smaller than me. My mama have her looks. Bits of it. When I was 3, we move to UK and stayed there so long up to 4 years. I seldom talk to her or even mail a letter to her since it was in the 80's and there was no "skype" or "ym". I haven't heard from her for a long time. When I was little, mama seldom send me to her. When I came back to Malaysia she was gone. She died because she fell in the toilet. I was sad. the most sad part is, my grandfather had a heart attack, and he was shocked to see my grandmother lying in the bathroom. He fainted on the spot and when unconscious with my grandmother at the same time. How love kept them alive until they were gone. Love kept them strong. Love makes them move on. This is when they say "till death do us part".


My grandmother on my father sides pass away due to breast cancer. I didn't even get to know her or even talk to her. She died in the year 1988. That year I was in mama's tummy. I'm so sad I didn't even get to know her at all. I didn't even get to taste her cooking at all. Maktok likes to cook "nasi kicap marjerin + telur". Untill now when I miss her I'll make that dish and eat it on my own. She loves feeding me and my grandfather doesn't like noises. So he tend to scold us and says that "if you make another noise, i'm going to tape your mouth with this big masking tape!". Later, my brother and I will team up to find his masking tape and steal it and hid it from him. How funny that time! :)


Now, my life still have to go on. I'm a sister with one big brother and one small brother. With a set of parent. I'm close to my big and small brother. They are my heart my love my soul. They are everything to me in this big wide world. We grow up together, we play barbie together. We skate together. We sing together. We even had lice together. We cook together. But time changes, and everything change. My big brother is going to get marry next year. We had some miscommunication the other day and sadly he didn't handle things well. The sad part is that he chooses his going-to-be wife over me his "sister". I know deep down in my heart that sooner or later, that one day I'm going to loose him. But I just don't know when. Now, we seldom talk. Things will never be the same. My father told me that soon everyone will have their own life. To me, we don't have to change, everything could be the same, if we just know where our heart remains. But then, no point of losing and no point of fighting for something that was not sure. I just had to let him go. But I will always love my big brother with all my heart and soul whole heartedly. Because to me, he will always be the man that always make me smile and give me the shine whenever I need a light. Now it's just me and my little brother, but I know that one day I have to let him go too. He's growing. He is going to be a handsome and intelligent young man one day. Even though I always scold him, but I do have faith in him. And definitely I do love him with all my heart and soul too. I love you my two brothers! Forever it will be. Cause it's both of you that held me high. Cause that's all I need to reach the sky. I love you both for eternity.

xoxo